Bubba's Bar 'n' Grill

Ah, 'found the general jokes thread! Beware, this is gonna get cheesy...
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A frog goes into the bank, looks around, then jumps up onto a lady's desk and sits down next to her nameplate, which reads "Patricia Wack - Loan Officer."

"I want a loan for $10,000 please," he says.

"But you're...a frog," she replies, startled. "We don't give loans to frogs, sorry."

Indignant, the frog says, "You don't seem to realize who I am - I'm Mick Jagger's son."

"Oh really," she says, skeptically. "In any case, I can't just go on your word alone. Do you have any collateral?"

He angrily digs in his pocket for a second, then places a small ceramic elephant on her desk. "There," he says, "is my collateral."

"That? I don't think that's valuable enough," she says.

By now the frog has completely lost his cool and shouts at her, "I demand to see your manager! Right now!"

She takes him into her manager's office and says, "Sir, this frog wants a loan for $10,000 - he says he's Mick Jaggar's son and can only offer this as collateral." She places the elephant on his desk. "That's all he can offer, and... what is that, anyway?"

The manager answers, "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



See? 'Told ya.
.

I figured this would also coincide with the "Grill"....excuse the ludicy in advance.....

A man comes home from work to see his wife watching a cooking show on t.v., he says "I don't know why you watch that stuff--you can't cook."

The wife responds, "Guess that's why you watch porn, huh."

OUCH!

Tommy Cooper:
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Roy had a brand new pair of shoes. He goes to visit his friend. Being polite, he removed his shoes and leaves them at the door. While visiting with his friend, the friend’s cat discovers Roys new shoes, likes the smell and proceeds to chew them up. Roy goes ballistic. The friend, feeling very bad, has a dilemma: he has two cats. One of the cats enters the room at that moment. The friend then asks: Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
(think Glen Miller's 'Chatanooga choo choo').

Spike Milligan:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

- Gandhi was considered to be larger-than-life to his admirers, so much so that they believed he had special powers; since he was very old and walked barefoot, his feet had enormous calluses on them; physically he was frail and he had horrible breath. So a bored encyclopedist, working on the Gandhi entry but wanting to take his lunch, defined him as "Super callused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis."

- Two fish swimming in a lake suddenly bump head-first into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

- A koala bear walks into a bar and orders dinner. When he finishes, he pulls out a gun and shoots the place up, then walks out the door. The shocked bartender calls 9-1-1 to report the incident, but the operater says "Relax, it's just a Koala. You can look it up anywhere: 'Eats shoots and leaves.'"

- My favorite blonde joke (Disclaimer: Don't get me wrong, I love blondes and all of the ones I know are so smart they're scary. Well most of 'em...)
A blonde country girl gets tired of the endless teasing so she drives to town and gets her hair dyed a deep auburn. On the way home, she's stopped on the country road by a huge herd of sheep that a farmer is moving across the road, so she decides to take the opportunity to get out and stretch.
"Nice day, isn't it?" says the farmer.
"That it is," she replies. "Ohh, they're so cute! I wish I had one of my very own."
"'Tell you what, young lady," says the farmer, "if you can guess the exact number in this herd, I'll let you pick your favorite and he's yours."
"Really?" she exclaims, and studies the herd thoughtfully for a few seconds. Finally she looks the farmer in the eye and says "546."
"That's amazing, you're absolutely right!" he replies. "Well a man's word is a man's word - you go ahead and pick one you like."
She walks amid the animals and finally picks one up that she thinks is cuter than all the others. She says goodbye to the farmer and carries it back to her car.
"Ahh, Miss?" says the farmer, "Care for another wager?"
"Sure thing," she replies.
"If I guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"


.

A Minister is in front of his congregation and asks if anyone needs a special prayer to be said.

One bloke says yes he would like a prayer to help with his hearing.

He is asked to come to the front where the Minister holds him by cupping his hands over the man`s ears, and several other people from the congregation come forward to hold the man and pray too.

After the prayer the Minister asks, "How is your hearing now?"

The bloke replies, "I don`t know, it`s next week!"

What a retired husband does



After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Fletch

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store.. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Fletch, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from
her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ' Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
were called.

8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

9. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

13. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the clerks passed out.

LOL... I've heard that one before. However my daughter says they play a game when shopping called " 3 things in the cart that would make the cashier nervous". Example A). 1 gallon of Crisco liquid oil, zip ties(plastic wire ties), and a large bag of M & M candies.

On the overhead intercom: "Attention shoppers! In 60 seconds we will be testing the store's emergency sprinkler system. Umbrellas are in aisle five"

"Heard at our local Wally World a few weeks ago: *(in John Wayne voice) "Paging Mr. Herman - Paging Mr. Herman" (see Pee Wees Big Adventure)

PET FISH

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish
was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he
started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see
your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't
need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish
o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of horse sh-t....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr.
Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden.
"PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to
call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city
slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South,
but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.