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+--- Thread: Jokes and Funny Sayings (/showthread.php?tid=425)
RE: Jokes and Funny Sayings - Scythe Matters - 12-21-2011 04:16 AM
A few more music jokes....
Q: How do you make a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until its bill withers
A letter, addressed "To the world's greatest drummer", arrives at the home of Louie Bellson. He takes one look at it, and says, "well, this is obviously not for me", and forwards it to Gene Krupa. Krupa also takes one look at it, and also says, "well, this is obviously not for me", and he forwards it as well. The letter makes the rounds of famous drummers' homes, until it finally winds up at the home of Buddy Rich. He takes one look at it, and says, "well, this is obviously for me", rips it open, and reads "Dear Ringo...."
Q: What was the epitaph on the blues player's gravestone?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
Q: What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
A: His amp.
General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."
From over in the hills they hear a voice yell, "It's not our regular drummer."
Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
It took him 45 minutes to get his drums, the bass amp, and the bass player out.
The bass player came tearing out a club in hot pursuit of another guy.
The bouncer asked him, "What's the problem?"
Puffed the bassist "That guy turned one of my tuning pegs, and he won't tell me which one."
RE: Jokes and Funny Sayings - burma.girl - 12-21-2011 10:15 AM
Nettie, those are classic! Gonna forward to my teacher friends....oh, and even though I'm not a teacher, I do get a secret thrill out of laminating things, sharp pencils, and a fresh box of crayons....
RE: Jokes and Funny Sayings - desertbear - 12-28-2011 11:16 AM
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tommorow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had alI I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The egg nog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says, "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet?"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh shit it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!
RE: Jokes and Funny Sayings - 2Beers - 12-28-2011 02:23 PM
LOL, desertbear.
RE: Jokes and Funny Sayings - Gungawoman - 12-28-2011 02:59 PM
LOL! Just don't have it catered by Gordan Ramsey like in the TV commercial!
RE: Jokes and Funny Sayings - desertbear - 12-28-2011 04:52 PM
(12-28-2011 02:59 PM)Gungawoman Wrote: LOL! Just don't have it catered by Gordan Ramsey like in the TV commercial!
I would smack that jackwagon in the schnoz! He bugs the hell out of me!
RE: Jokes and Funny Sayings - Scythe Matters - 12-29-2011 02:56 AM
(12-28-2011 04:52 PM)desertbear Wrote:(12-28-2011 02:59 PM)Gungawoman Wrote: LOL! Just don't have it catered by Gordan Ramsey like in the TV commercial!
I would smack that jackwagon in the schnoz! He bugs the hell out of me!
I agree - I can't stand him! He's made a whole career out of being a mean-spirited, know-it-all jerk!
Here's a classic:
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (PARODY)
(Alan Sherman)
On the first day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A Japanese transistor radio.
On the second day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Green polka dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(It's a Nakashuma.)
On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(It's the Mark IV model. That's the one that's discontinued.)
On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(And it comes in a Leatherette case with holes in it. So you could listen right
through the case.)
On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to be,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
(And it has a wire with a thing on one end that you could stick in your ear, an
d a thing on the other end that you can't stick anywhere because it's bent.)
On the sixth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A hammered aluminum nutcracker,
And all that other stuff,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
[Continue until . . . ]
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
Although it may seem strange;
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
I'm going to exchange:
An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television but not when you get it home,
A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter,
A pair of teakwood shower clogs,
An indoor plastic birdbath,
A pink satin pillow that says "San Diego" with fringe all around it,
A hammered aluminum nutcracker,
A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to be,
A simulated alligator wallet,
A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
Green polka dot pajamas,
And a Japanese transistor radio.
RE: Jokes and Funny Sayings - Mufasa - 12-29-2011 07:57 PM
"Money can't buy happiness...
But crying in a Ferrari beats crying on a bicycle"
RE: Jokes and Funny Sayings - Boomer - 12-29-2011 09:09 PM
Why in the WORLD would anyone in their right mind...CRY in a Ferrarri?
RE: Jokes and Funny Sayings - RN-PRN - 12-29-2011 09:11 PM
(12-29-2011 09:09 PM)boomer Wrote: Why in the WORLD would anyone in their right mind...CRY in a Ferrarri?
Tears of joy???