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Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
04-14-2011, 07:08 PM
Post: #1
Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
When I stumbled upon Brutus' sig, I had to laugh, smirk, and be sad all at the same time:

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'

Mitch Hedberg was, in my humble opinion, one of the funniest, most irreverent, and most ingenious comics of the last 20 or so years. The way he could twist the simplest thing into something that would make you blow your beverage all over the person next to you was simply amazing. Sadly, he died in 2005, his addiction to drugs passing final judgement.

One of my favorite jokes from Mitch:

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Do you have any favorite comic's quotes or jokes? Let's see 'em. Oh, and please keep 'em clean. No need to rustle up the Mods' ire. ;-)

I jumped the cliff with a dream to fly
Without knowing the weight of feathers
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04-14-2011, 07:36 PM
Post: #2
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
"Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them."

-Jim Carrey
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04-14-2011, 08:36 PM
Post: #3
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
Kevin Hart:

"One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned."

Most of us are so caught up in life that we forget to live it.
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04-15-2011, 10:07 AM
Post: #4
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!"

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."

"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?"

Billy Connolly

There's a lot of it about.
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04-15-2011, 10:09 AM
Post: #5
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
(04-15-2011 10:07 AM)Scottish_lass Wrote:  "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!"

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."

"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?"

Billy Connolly

He's great!

A party without cake is really just a meeting
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04-15-2011, 12:58 PM
Post: #6
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
(04-15-2011 10:09 AM)Bageleth Wrote:  
(04-15-2011 10:07 AM)Scottish_lass Wrote:  "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!"

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."

"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?"

Billy Connolly

He's great!

Heh heh, yeah, ye cannae beat the Big Yin...it was tricky finding quotes that didn't involve sweary words though!

There's a lot of it about.
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04-15-2011, 01:31 PM
Post: #7
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas......

She said, "I want a divorce!"

I said, "I wasn`t thinking of spending that much"

Living the dream over here in Blighty
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04-15-2011, 06:45 PM
Post: #8
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
What kind of Bee's give Milk ????




Boo Bees !
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04-15-2011, 08:13 PM
Post: #9
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

And everything else George Carlin ever said. Dang, I miss him.
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04-15-2011, 08:33 PM
Post: #10
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
That's a hoot ! And true !Wink
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