Post Reply 
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
04-17-2011, 11:07 PM (This post was last modified: 04-17-2011 11:08 PM by Laffitupfzbl.)
Post: #11
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
My ex-husband called me the other day. That was weird. Know what he wanted? Wanted the wedding ring back - belonged to his Grandma, or some nonsense. So I said "Ok, you can have it back." And then I had it melted down into a bullet. Hey, I never stated the velocity at which he was going to receive it back, but he's gonna get it alright.

---- Me
I guess I'm not my favorite comedian, but that's my favorite joke I ever told on stage. Mainly cause I wish it was true.
Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
04-18-2011, 12:33 PM
Post: #12
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
* Standing O for Fuzzy

Most of us are so caught up in life that we forget to live it.
Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
04-18-2011, 12:46 PM
Post: #13
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
A bloke is invited out on the town with his mates....and his concerned wife says, "Have a nice time, but please dont come back drunk".

He knows that please in this case means, on pain of death, but heads out with his friends, with all good intentions of keeping on the good side of drunk.

Unfortunately, after several beers, lagers, spirits, the bloke has passed way beyond the good side of drunk, and is pretty much smashed.

He has a couple more and is sick down his shirt......this has the affect of sobering him slightly....

"My wife will kill me, she said dont come home drunk"

One of his fast thinking mates, says, "It`s alright - put a £20 note in your shirt pocket, and say that some drunk idiot was sick over you, and gave you the £20 to get it cleaned".

The plan was foolproof, and they carried on drinking, onto Guinness and whisky now.....

The bloke returns home, he can barely walk. His wife has considerately waited up for him......

As he fumbles with the lock and falls into the house, his wife pounces.....

"I thought I said dont get drunk, look at the state of you - you have been sick down your shirt"

"No I hash not luv - shome bloke wash sick over me - he even gave me £20 to get the shirt cleaned - hick! - here look"

His wife takes a look....

"There is £40 here, where did the other £20 come from?"


..............."That was off the bloke who crapped my pants"

Bagle - Can I bring my laundry over later?

Living the dream over here in Blighty
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
04-18-2011, 02:52 PM
Post: #14
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
LOL!
no, LOL

A party without cake is really just a meeting
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
04-18-2011, 05:12 PM
Post: #15
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
What is the correct spelling for the cart you put your leaves in after raking?

Wheelbarrel
or
wheelbarrow ?



I thought this was good...many people spell it wrong.Rolleyes
Quote this message in a reply
04-18-2011, 06:52 PM
Post: #16
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
Oh good grief - don't get me started.
I live in Oz.... they "warsh" things here.

Most of us are so caught up in life that we forget to live it.
Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
04-18-2011, 07:12 PM
Post: #17
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
Please define for me the nature of "warshing" something - anything.

Went into a Production Scheduling meeting today, and someone actually wrote a whole spec on bridge washing vs bridge cleaning, to which we all asked - what is the bloomin difference and what silly goon came up with that nonsense?

Whats it there? Soda, pop, or Coke? (What kind? - - I'll take a Pepsi!)

Primary Principle - "It must NEVER be my fault"
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
04-18-2011, 07:28 PM
Post: #18
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
Its called Soda here in Maine. i'll take a diet coke.
Quote this message in a reply
04-18-2011, 07:55 PM
Post: #19
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
We call everything "Coke" in Central Smellinois. You can always tell the out of town waiters - they say "Is Pepsi ok?" The in town waiters just bring you a Pepsi, no explanation.

The first joke I ever wrote (6th grade for a talent show):

What do you get when you cross a bridge with a car?





To the other side - ba rump cha!
Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
04-18-2011, 10:33 PM
Post: #20
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
I always called soda "pop" or soda pop

My grandma, from a very small, rural Texas town, says "warsh" and "melk".

My step-father always said "ole" instead of "oil". He and my mother always added an extra "L" to the word "album", they'd say "albLum".
And both my step-father and my husband's step-father leave the "z" sound out of the word "Alzheimer's". It doesn't bother me now as much as it did 20 years ago, as there is just no changing their patterns. But back then, it really bugged me, lol!

A party without cake is really just a meeting
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply 


Forum Jump:


User(s) browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)