Post Reply 
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
04-18-2011, 11:33 PM
Post: #21
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
Stephen Wright's deadpan is priceless. A few of my faves:

"It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

"I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time."

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."


Gallagher is another (disclaimer: though he's reportedly - ie, unconfirmedly - taken a weird turn down racist/homophobe alley in recent years):

"Why do we drive on the parkway, and park on the driveway?"

"Why do irons have a 'Permanent Press' setting?"

"Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?"

"Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?"

"Why do Cowboys wear a spur on each boot? If one side of the horse moves, the other side goes with it."

Big Grin
.
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
04-19-2011, 10:22 AM (This post was last modified: 04-19-2011 10:22 AM by Mufasa.)
Post: #22
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
"I just bought some powdered water and I can't figure out what to add to it..."
SW

Most of us are so caught up in life that we forget to live it.
Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
04-19-2011, 11:18 AM
Post: #23
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
"Im going down stairs" "its called below deck"
Quote this message in a reply
04-20-2011, 01:15 AM (This post was last modified: 04-20-2011 01:41 AM by SpaceCadet.)
Post: #24
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
D'OH! Got the wrong jokes on the wrong thread. I blame early-stage Alzheimer's - all them sodas and beers out of aluminum cans through the years. Anyhow...

Some Eddie Izzard faves -

"What shall we call our son so he does not get the sh** kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdinck! Yes, that'll work."

"In the '30s, Hitler: Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War... Russian front not a good idea...
Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid. Cause, you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian / Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't f***ing hold it. Australasia, that was the one. Australasia. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up."

"Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, 'Is that Rod Stewart in first class?'"
.

"Waiter...can you stop that noise? What you call 'music.' It sounds like dirty water. How can they eat food - and listen to ****?"
- Sabina (Lena Olin) in The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
09-22-2012, 11:39 AM
Post: #25
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
My favorite comic isn't a practicing comedian at all...

He and I were once ruminating whether evil behavior is intrinsic or learned. My position was that we are all good until we learn how to be bad. He looked me square in the eyes and said:"A baby will kill you for a cookie, the only reason it doesn't is because it's not strong enough".


I think I may have lost that argument lol

To ask why we cook is to ask why the leaves fall...
Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
09-22-2012, 04:32 PM
Post: #26
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
(04-18-2011 12:46 PM)NWoBHM Wrote:  A bloke is invited out on the town with his mates....and his concerned wife says, "Have a nice time, but please dont come back drunk"............

..............."That was off the bloke who crapped my pants"

Whoa...that was the same(ish) joke Al told on opening night during Ged's tech issues! Kewl!!!


I love Stephen Wrights deadpan as well. This one is so silly but it just cracks me up.

"I'd like to do some impersonations. Here's one of bowling..." (drags mic across table for a few seconds, then picks it back up and says nothing for a few more seconds) then says, "....Gutter."

HA!

Love and respect...
Turn up the music and smile!
ASSTA Member
Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
09-22-2012, 07:47 PM
Post: #27
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
Kevin Hart / Seriously Funny Tour.

Most of us are so caught up in life that we forget to live it.
Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
09-23-2012, 02:59 AM
Post: #28
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
(09-22-2012 04:32 PM)CanyonDancer Wrote:  
(04-18-2011 12:46 PM)NWoBHM Wrote:  A bloke is invited out on the town with his mates....and his concerned wife says, "Have a nice time, but please dont come back drunk"............

..............."That was off the bloke who crapped my pants"

Whoa...that was the same(ish) joke Al told on opening night during Ged's tech issues! Kewl!!!


I love Stephen Wrights deadpan as well. This one is so silly but it just cracks me up.

"I'd like to do some impersonations. Here's one of bowling..." (drags mic across table for a few seconds, then picks it back up and says nothing for a few more seconds) then says, "....Gutter."

HA!

Bubba borrowing my chops, and now Al using my jokes........Its kinda nice Big Grin

Living the dream over here in Blighty
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
09-23-2012, 05:49 PM
Post: #29
RE: Favorite comic's quotes and jokes
Bill Engvall talking to his daughter's boyfriend. " You see that beautiful girl standing over there. She is the love of my life, the apple of my eye. I just want you to know, that I do not mind going back to prison. Have fun." I have used this line.
Find all posts by this user
Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply 


Forum Jump:


User(s) browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)